If I’m to take the magazines I read and the marketing emails I receive as a barometer for my social life, I should be attending at least ten Christmas parties this year. How many do I currently have in my diary? Zero.
Don’t worry, this isn’t a cry for sympathy. As I write this I’m wearing a blanket that has sleeves, which is perhaps an accurate sartorial metaphor for precisely how in the party mood winter makes me feel. On occasion, I like to muse on flitting from party to party swathed in velvet, weighed down by outlandishly huge earrings but then I remember how impossibly stressed I feel when anyone invites me to anything that starts after 8pm and I come back down to earth with a thud.
As a child, I always wished I was older but as I edge towards my late(ish) twenties that has translated to a mental age of somewhere around 75. So, whilst I will happily scroll through page after page of velvet blazers, twinkling party dresses and Bowie-esque shoes, mentally creating show-stopping party outfits, what I really need (and I’m sure I’m not alone here) is a realistic party season style guide. One more suited to a less high-octane Christmas social calendar. Oh look, here’s one…
Activity: Watching Elf and eating a tub of ice cream
The oversized silhouette of this cosy jumper will work with the curves of your impossibly bloated stomach. Teal joggers will infuse your look with a flash of colour and contrast fabulously with your sagging sofa cushions. Opt for monochrome socks to pull the look together and accessorise with a spoon that you can use to dig through the mountains of ice cream.
Activity: Staying up late to create beautiful gift wrap that will inevitably be torn apart
As you painstakingly curl the ends of each length of ribbon that will be cast aside without a second thought as your loved one desperately strains to see if you spent as much on them as they did on you, put comfort first with a pair of lightweight poplin pyjamas. You might be tempted to choose flannel but don’t forget how much you stress sweat when you just.can’t.tuck.those.fucking.corners.in. A sumptuous silk dressing gown will provide all the warmth you need if you start to feel a chill. Echo the luxury of the fabric in your footwear with plush slippers and add a playful edge with pompoms that will almost certainly be in danger of being mistaken for a decoration and snipped off by an errant pair of scissors.
Activity: Sitting in quiet despair as you wonder where the year has gone
The tree is up, the presents have been bought, now all that’s left to do is panic about exactly how little you’ve achieved this year. Your mate on Facebook has been on three different spiritual journeys and you’ve spent 200+ hours watching videos of unlikely animal friendships BUT there’s no reason why you can’t look fabulous while you’re doing it. Literally nothing can make you feel like you’ve got your life together like a well cut shirt, so let this striped number swaddle you as you question every decision you’ve made since January. Pair it with the matching trousers for a pyjama mind set with a high fashion aesthetic. Complement the look with a blanket in contrasting tones under which you can hide until January arrives with a whole new dose of reality check.